Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
