I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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