Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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