Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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