Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
