if i can run in heels then i can drive
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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