oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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