If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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