her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
