Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
