Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
