She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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