I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
