Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
