i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sponge bath it is.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
