and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
