hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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