The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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