How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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