Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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