just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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