You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
