Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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