I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
