the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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