the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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