ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
