you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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