i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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