just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
