Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
