Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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