I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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