I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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