i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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