stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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