It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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