just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she peed on how many people?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
