Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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