Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize