I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
