It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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