It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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