too bad you live with your parents still
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
