Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
where are my eyebrows?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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