You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
