I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
