1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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