im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
did i just pee glitter
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
