Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
