hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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