i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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