I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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