mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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