I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
