You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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