after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
