R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
