oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
