I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
