there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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